Perpetual Grey
by Eleka
Summary: Angsty Angsty Seto fic. Seto's rambling thoughts on his life, etc etc etc. No suicidal thoughts or anything like that, just...Blah. Greyness, if you will.


Well…Here's an angsty fic, from yours truly. Seto's thoughts on his feelings life emotions blah blah blah.

Angsty depressing thoughts and all that shtoof.

I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. So sue me for not being cool like Takahashi. Ta-d'er!

I've had to get this out of my head, I finally got around to doing it, and what do ya know it's late. But I can't go to sleep until I write it 

Turns into a fanfiction writing zombie Wheee

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_I never really thought of myself as afraid of anything. I guess that's because I'm not afraid of anything small, spiders, failing a test. Little things like that don't bother me. Partly because spiders just aren't scary, and I don't fail things, but that's besides the point. _

_It's taken me a long time to realize it's the whole thing that scares me. Life, I mean. You go through it, and you think you know things but you really don't. You think you're happy, until you find out you're not. And when you find out deep down, you're not happy, you're afraid to act happy. And when you're afraid to act happy, you're even worse than not happy. You can't smile, you don't laugh. _

_But people don't want to be around sad people, because it makes them sad too. But by then it doesn't matter to you anymore because you don't want to be near them either. Pretty much for the same reason. You're afraid that your sadness will become theirs, that they'll worry about you. And them worrying is always the last thing you want._

_The end result? You shut yourself off. You want this madness to end. You quit trying to be happy long ago, you can't even pretend anymore. You're tired of this perpetual grey. If you're not sad or depressed, you're just nothing. Too much of nothing can drive a person insane. You want the nothing. And the sadness to end, you want to die but you know you can't. And every moment you feel like crying because you don't know how to make the empty go away._

_But then, the crying makes people worry, which you don't want. So you stop. Your tears turn real hard, and you don't feel. People don't just say I'm a cold bastard, I really am. I shut myself off from them a long time ago, and I don't have plans on opening up again. I need my wall. People always say I built it to keep people from knowing me. That I don't want friends, because friend's are a weakness. I guess I have said that, but it's just a defense. Part of the wall. I don't want to come out._

_This wall I have, it's to protect them from me. It stops these tears from coming out. It stops my sadness from spreading. And I can't ever let this wall down or I'll fear for flooding the world with my darkness. _

_I always thought the worst part, was the reason for my sadness. There really isn't one. I mean, my parents died when I was young, and my step-father was a jackass, but I have had a pretty decent life. I'm well off, I have the best younger brother, and if I let myself, I would probably have a decent amount of friends. Knowing this though, only makes me sadder, more depressed, gloomy. Not because I feel like I'm missing out, that's not it at all. It makes me feel worse because I have such a good life, and yet I always feel bad anyway. How can you imagine that someone like me, with all I have, could ever be so alone?_

_I never would be myself, for fear of breaking, and ruining others, and now I have no self. I don't fit standards, and all I do is try to fit and be what people say I am. I walk and I sneer, I smirk, I scowl. I'm obnoxious, and I talk back to teachers, and constantly show people up. I flaunt my power. Because it's what people expect now. I used to put my heart into it, because it gave me a sense of being, I believed it would be who I was, who I would be. I realized though, it was nothing. Just another bunch of bricks I was using to build up my wall._

_I'm tired of this. The sadness, the grey, the black. The guilty and heavy feeling after I let in some white. I have no sense of purpose anymore. KaibaCorp is now just a routine, an obligation. Duelist kingdom, and battle city are long gone. In a few months, I'm done with school. I have no idea where I can go from there, and all I can see is grey. I don't have anywhere to go. All I can do is sit and watch, and wait for something that will never happen to happen._

_But, still after all is done and said, after all my complaining, and guilt, I am afraid. I hate this, I hate being here, I hate that despite all the changes, nothing really changes. But I'm afraid to do something different. I could go out. I could be nice to Motou, or Wheeler. I could smile, I could laugh. But I'm afraid of that. To do that. I'm afraid because I will always know there is something worse, much worse. Then I won't smile again, because of fear of being grey again. So I refuse to let myself be happy, because you can't get much worse than perpetual grey._

_Life goes by, and all I can do is sit and watch. Like a hamster on a wheel that doesn't stop. A train ride that you can't get off of. All you can do is wait until the heart stops, or the engine dies._

_For most people, their time comes, when their color fades. Mine faded long ago, for everyone knows that grey has never been a color. It can't fade. The only way for it to fade is to turn white, and the white is happiness. And perpetual greys can never turn white. I'm stuck as this drone in this world where I can't do anything but wait, surrounded by everything, but nothing at all, connecting with everyone and no one._

_And all I can think about is my fear of life, of living, of happiness, and of everything I can't have, because this wall I've built can't be destroyed, because if it is, I will be too, and despite my fear of life, greater yet is my fear of change. Forever condemned am I to perpetual grey, where nothing ever changes._

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Not a lot to say about this except, yeah… More than likely, the majority of this doesn't make sense. That's what happens when you stay up way past sleep time. And for some reason my 'U' key is stuck. Have to press it a million times before it works

Sigh Anyway, I better be off to sleep before I get yelled at, and fall asleep in school.


End file.
